Singing my life away.

In the search for wedding music, I've re-discovered Youtube. I have also re-discovered  my love to sing along with Youtube, as well as any music that may be playing. Pretty much, if I know the words, I'm in there like a dirty shirt (<--what does that mean, anyhow?!?) Much to my future Husband's disdain, this obsession includes television commercials. I won't even realise that I'm doing it. Suddenly, there I am, repeating the jingle for some random product word for word. Don't even get me started about singing in the car! I'm convinced that my man puts in music I don't know the lyrics to on purpose. I can't help it...it's a sickness. In all honesty though, I gladly welcome it back. I used to sing constantly. Whether I was at home or work, if I was in a good mood, I was belting out a tune! I love the way I feel when I full on, no reserves sing my heart out. As her brother before her, my daughter takes the full brunt of my vocals. So far she has been a willing participant in the personal live music show her life has become, not that she can really get away from it. I am currently stuck on a few Jann Arden songs and one well known Jewel tune that used to sound particularily amazing while sung stocking the cooler at Super Save! That was until I was informed by a co-worker that I could be heard through-out the store. No more cooler concerts for me! Counting Crows is another band that gets quite a lot of air time from my lungs. I can recite the lyrics from August and Everything After in my sleep, and who knows, maybe I do. I would love to be a professional singer someday. What an amazing thing that would be. Getting up there and doing something that makes me feel so alive for a living, wow. Who knows. For now, I am happy to sing my little girl to sleep. Que Sera, Sera.

I'm a busy little beaver!

Phew, what a busy few days! The momentum is still here, just thought I'd take a tiny break for a little blog therapy.

Yesterday was a package explosion in this house. Two packages delivered for x-mas, (thanks Uncle Bill), my babysteals.com package AND bridesmaids dresses...yay! I love getting things in the mail. Now a days I don't even get bills because I've opted for online statements. SO anything that isn't a Home Hardware flyer is exciting. Yes, even the reminders from the dentist bring a smile to my face! Literally ;)

On top of that excitement, Miss Hailey started veggies for the first time yesterday. This time around I am making my own baby food, with assistance from my trusty Baby Bullet (thanks Lynne!). I had the best intentions with my son, but I was young, and being so, found it was easier to just be lazy. Sorry bud... I decided to start with sweet potatoes, they're sweet but still have a nutty taste reminiscent of a veggie. To my delight, she accepted them! Granted, she didn't exactly jump for joy, she also didn't immediately spit them in my face! Success.

Things with the wedding planning are also starting to cement themselves and my excitement is palpable. It's nice to finally feel happy about things instead of the dread that had begun to take over any thought associated with the wedding.

I decided to take some of the joy from my day and bake it into some goodies for the ones I love. Nothing better than a chocolate chip cookie fresh out of the oven...especially if they're mint chocolate chip!



The road to hell is paved with these.

It has happened again. This certainly isn't the first time and I fear it won't be the last either, in spite of my good intentions.
Like every year, the months of September, October...now November have slipped past me, with me buying nary a gift. I always say to myself  "I really need to start my Christmas shopping early this year, so I can get it done without losing my mind!" Usually this inner thought is thunk somewhere between August & October. Then, somehow, I lose all ability to recall having said conversation with myself until I have only a month left to get my shopping done. Once I finally pull my self together and get on the shopping bandwagon, it takes me forever to scour the planet for those perfect presents. I dislike buying things for people that I am afraid they will never use. I do my very best to find meaningful yet practical gifts for my friends, something that they can hopefully tell was specially chosen for them and not just bought on the fly.  I thoroughly enjoy this process, and I can't wait to see the joy my presents bring to peoples faces. It kills me to not be there when they open it, and while I realize that might be selfish, it's another one of my guilty pleasures. I love bringing smiles to peoples faces, showing them how much they mean to me with a special gift carefully handpicked  for them. I do this year round with birthdays and the such, but Christmas is like the mother load! So much happy to give all at once!
Why, you may ask,  does it take so long to begin this process that brings me so much happiness? The only answer I can think of is that I work better under pressure.I am the Queen of Procrastination. SO far, it seems to be working for me ;)

Guilty pleasures...

Bathroom is cleaned, baby is sleeping...I have every right to stop and blog! Lol, I only make that excuse for myself. It's funny what we make ourselves feel guilty about. I try and get everything I can possibly fit into my day done, so I can feel entitled to take a little time to myself and check all my "guilty pleasures" My latest obsession is the website babysteals.com, which has a link to kidsteals.com. Always filled with merchandise at least 50%  mark down, and shipping that won't break the bank, I can't get enough. Most of the time, I simply look and wish and think "I don't really need that" But last week I gave in. I have been looking everywhere for quality, affordable, long sleeve onesies for my little girl. It's winter, you'd think they would be all over the place. Not the case. I even went out of town...nothing. Oh, they had a whole rack for boys, in varying colours and patterns, but apparently little girls...they don't need long sleeves, they're tough! So, I pulled out my trusty credit card and proceeded to order 6 of them from babysteals! I can't wait to get them, I find myself checking the delivery status everyday. I'm starting to understand all the hubbub surrounding shopping online. It's like a mini Christmas every time you have something en-route to your mail-box. It all started with the wedding dress, then the bridesmaids dresses, now the onesies... I have promised myself not to get carried away though...really...

Restlessness

Recently I have become aware of myself getting restless with my place in life. Perhaps it's due to the different ways I have been spending my time as of late. Used to be that most days were predetermined; get up, make coffee, smoke at least 3 cigarettes (which I no longer do!!!), drive to my job, work all day, come home, cook dinner, sleep, repeat. Now, no two days are the same, and I find myself at a loss with what to fill them with. Obviously I don't actually have TONS of time to work with, I do have a 6 month old and house to take care of. But the small blocks of scattered time that I do have? I feel they are being wasted. In all reality, I am looking for something I can actually attempt to make a living doing. I am envious of these ladies I keep running across, who, it seems to me, have it all figured out. They have these fantastic careers they love, skills out the Wazoo and the freedom to take their job where ever they may go. Don't get me wrong, I have skills... ;) I'm just not sure they are as transferrable as I'd like, and have the feeling I should add to my resume.
Heres where we involve the listeners. I am soliciting help. Those of you who follow, and know me well enough to make a suggestion, please feel free to make one! I invite it. What do you think I should pursue as a plausible career path? Your words may well be the spark I need to light this fire. I have a few ideas of my own in mind, but I am curious to see if anyone else comes across the same ones!

StrongStart SUCCESS!!!!

Well people...I did it! I went, I saw, I conquered! StrongStart has been owned! Now that I have you believing it was a breeze, let me tell you the real story!



A little pooped out from all the excitement!

Things started out well, my darling daughter was up early this morn, making for an early nap-time, which correlated perfectly with the drop-in times for StrongStart. To top it off, she was in a relatively chipper mood, which these days is a bonus (gotta love teething!) Everything was going swimmingly right? With her, sure...with the rest of it...not so much! Only I would pick the first day of completely socked in snow to venture out. So after dressing Hailey up for her date, running outside to start the van, going back inside to bundle her and strap her into her car seat (I could write one whole blog just about how much I LOATHE car seats and the evil person who designed the way they fasten!!!) popping the evil thing into the van, and scraping the huge, hard to reach windows...we're off! From here, things should be smooth sailing, and they are, until I see my Wing-Woman walking, in the wrong direction. I started to panic...should I still go, maybe she's just getting the mail, she'll show up shortly, but what if she doesn't? I temporarily consider turning around and going home, but then I remember "I wrote about this in my blog..." I steeled my nerves, pulled up my big girl panties and continued on, Wing-Woman or not, I would do this! Now, I am unfamiliar with the layout of the school where StrongStart is held, so I immediately get lost. Seeing little boots through one doorway, boots much to small for school aged children, I decide this must be the way to go. But when I end up at the door, it's marked Leap-Land, which is obviously the wrong name, and the place is deserted. SO where the heck did the little people belonging to those little boots go? Starting to feel defeated, I put my own giant boots back on, and begin to make my way out, but small voices behind another door make me pause. Quietly, I open the door, not wanting to draw attention to the crazy lady if this is in fact just a classroom. Lucky for me, it turns out to be my destination! Right away, I see two girls I know and my heart settles back into it's rightful place. It's from this point that things start going swimmingly. Like my heart, I settle into my rightful place as the newcomer, but no one treats me that way. I watch as all the older children joyfully sing along with the ladies who lead "circle time" I watch as Hailey's wide, alert eyes eat everything up, and I suddenly remember that this isn't fully about me. There are 3 other babies there of varying ages, and while I don't concrete any relationships with their mothers, I feel as if I have traversed a large gap. I will be returning, and perhaps sometime in the future I can be the one who makes a newcomer feel a little more welcome.



Coffee Shops Conquered, onto the next!

Monday morning will lead me into yet another new adventure! I will be attending Strong Start for the first time. (StrongStart BC is a free, drop-in early learning program for preschool-aged children accompanied by a parent or caregiver)  While nervous, I am excited to be meeting new people with new little ones. I've recently come to terms with the fact that amongst my friends, no one has children my daughters age. While this currently isn't a big problem, in the future, it might be nice to have a playmate or two for her that isn't old enough to be graduating from High school! Since I don't envision any of said friends suddenly getting the urge to pop out any more kidlets, social mixers, here we come! I will be attending with a safety net though, not flying solo on this mission. This is bigger than those coffee shops, people...I need a wing man, or woman in this case! My friends mother, who is like a surrogate mother to me (one of many that I have, I'm so lucky!) will be there as well, phew! It's always nice to have a buffer between you and the unknown! I'm sure when all is said and done, this will have been a silly fear, as it was before. But right now...knees are a knockin!
And now for something completely different... Have you ever had the feeling that life is somehow cyclical? I am currently experiencing a situation so strikingly similar to one in my past that I am convinced it is. Maybe I am meant to learn something this time around that escaped me previously. I can only pray the lesson is a happy one this time. The most frustrating part of the whole situation is, as before, my complete inability to change the outcome. I can only hope and pray that things will turn out well. Hold your loved ones close...I know I am.

I may well be the Wedding Grinch...



A pretty accurate depiction of how I am feeling!
Thank you Walterio!

For the last two days, my head has been swimming with wedding, mainly with precisely where it should take place. It's amazing how little we have in this town for choice of indoor locations. I had a place and for a minute I thought I had it all figured out; YAY ME!, until someone informed me that while was able to have the reception there, I would not be able to hold the ceremony at said location due to religious conflicts. (deep breath) While I realize that perhaps this should have been apparent to me considering the venue, which is adjoined to a church, it would have been nice to hear that little tid-bit of information from the individual doing the renting. Every place I've inquired at since is either too small, too busy or just plain too expensive. Dollar signs are slowly drilling a hole into my patience and resolve. While I continue to plod thru the mire that is wedding planning, trying to keep my smile, I will admit that I have cried in the past two days. I thought I was holding it together, thought I had a really amazing handle on my emotions if I did say so myself...but alas, I was wrong. Now please understand I didn't think this whole process was going to be an easy, carefree one; but, I was under the assumption that I would be able to make it thru the first month of planning, at the very least, before blubbering like a fool on the phone to my future sister-in-law. Let me apologize publicly for that! You know who you are, please forgive me. I would also like to apologize to my future husband (if he doesn't jump ship before this is all over) for starting to bawl 10 mins after he arrived home from a 10hr work day! Apologies done, now onto the thank yous!

Here's where I give a big shout out to all those people who have taken a second out of their days to offer a kind word, supportive suggestion or just a little joke to put that smile back on my face. I am fully aware that I am not the first woman, nor am I by any means the last that will be trudging thru this nuptial nightmare. To all those that have come before me, you are amazing! To all those yet to begin the planning, they tell me it will all be worth it it the end...I believe them.

Wedding dresses and What not to wear!

Today the Canada Post Faeries delivered my Wedding dress...can you say EXCITED! (picture me doing a happy dance while hugging a garment bag) To my surprise, along with the dress came a hand written note. It is refreshing to know that a complete stranger would take the time out of their day to do something so thoughtful. I must remember to pay this forward!
Next topic: This is sort of a continuation of my whole getting old complex. I feel as if I'm at a point in my life where I need to update my wardrobe. Not just because it's out dated, but because it's pretty much non-existent. I cleaned my drawers and closet out while in the midst of a pregnant hormonal surge brought on by the fact that "nothing fit". I look back now with hormone free hindsight and realize this was perhaps not the best decision, as I no longer have anything to wear. I wish someone had stopped me. On the other hand...who is going to get in the way of a pregnant lady and say "That isn't a good idea!"  So I'm left with 2 pairs of jeans and a limited supply of tank tops, which apparently passed the test. I wish some of my long sleeved shirts had survived. Now, I would like to start re-stocking, but at 31 I feel like I'm at a cross roads in the fashion world. I am in between young and mature (you like that? I think that word will replace "old" for me from now on!) I find it difficult to choose what I should be putting on my body, always acutely aware that there is a possibility I may end up looking like those ladies who are trying to be 18 again. Don't act like you don't know what I mean. We've all seen them, and even if we don't say it out loud, we feel a little sorry for them. I do, anyways. I will not let myself go there. I will grow "mature" gracefully and with style. This brings me to my hope of hopes. I wish with all my might that one day there will be a What not to Wear Canada! There will be friendly little Stacey and Clinton-esque Canucks who are just chomping at the bit to help out our county's fashion challenged citizens. Then my wonderful, thoughtful friends will nominate me to receive the $5000 to be made over into sexy little diva! Until then...I'll just fumble my way thru the racks, avoiding the booty shorts ;)

OK faithful followers...I did it, and it was earth-shattering! I claimed my Yold! (refer to previous post for explanation of  this word) Unfortunately, so had half the population of the café. For some reason I expected the place to be packed with young people, no one could possibly be older than me in there, right? Wrong! There was actually one whole table filled with people well into their fabulous 50's! It was an enlightening experience.
Obviously I jest, I don't actually think that only people in their 20's frequent coffee houses, I just mean to point out how absolutely ridiculous my fear was in the first place. In facing my fear, I've realized that no one really gives two farts how old you are in a place of business, they probably don't even notice you're there for more than the split second it takes to spy you entering. Another bonus, I am now the proud owner of a
to-go mason jar equipped with a very cute little sleeve!
Moral of the story...face your fears! Once you do, you open up whole new avenues in life you previously didn't have available to you, even if it is only a few hole in the wall cafés. And who knows, you might get a souvenir too!

Some praise and a tale of Yold*

I felt obligated after my last post to stay true to my word...I gave you all one day free of my banter...well, that's all you get! ;)  (picture "No soup for you!" guy from Seinfeld...no?...did it for me)
It's another one of  those days that can't end without a little bloggin'! I have big news, news that I never thought would thrill me so much until it actually happened...I have FOLLOWERS! You might say, "Well yeah, I know...I'm one of them." If so, thank you! I was a long time in deciding to start this blog (I needed 2 gypsies, one to read my fortune and one to give me a good swift kick in the ass) and it is so satisfying to know that someone gives a rats caboose about what is going on in this abnormally large cranium of mine! I promise I won't let you down.
But I digress, onto the real reason for this post.
As of late, I have been noticing how out of place I feel. In my own town, I feel as if I don't fit. Now let me point out, this has nothing to do with the ski hill. Nor does it have anything to do with the plethora of new and interesting people that have made Revelstoke one of the many stops on their fantastic trip thru life. It seems to me to have more to do with my age... I no longer feel like I belong at those trendy little cafés, with all their young fresh faces, sipping gaily on their grandé, low fat, soy latté, caramel machiatos with the cinnamon shavings. (Starbucks intimidates me, can you tell?) I'm afraid to even walk into one of the many little coffee shops that have popped up for fear one of those hip, young 20-somethings might set off the "interloper" alarm and start yelling "Why are you here, Oldie???" OK, perhaps that's a little extreme, but you get the gist. Even more depressing, I'm only 31. Where do I go from here? I've already decided. I am going to go to one of those dreaded places tomorrow. Not Jus Juiced, though I do feel safe there, it's like my warm blanky of coffee houses. No, I am going to march right into Sanga Bean, order myself something I feel confused about, bust my way through the "fit-ins" and claim my place as fashionably "Yold"*
* Yold = Young + Old...I've decided I'm special and have the authority to create new words!

The joys of online shopping and new-old friends

You may be getting sick of me...you might even be saying to yourself; "Sheesh, how much does this woman feel she needs to share?!" If so, I apologize. I also apologize if you would never utter the word Sheesh, if so, insert the appropriate word into the above quotation! I may give you a break from me tomorrow, but today just couldn't be put to bed without a little blogging!

I bought my wedding dress! I did it and I couldn't be more excited! After a few days of humming and hawing over it, weighing all the pros and cons, consulting the tarot cards and having a gypsy read my fortune, I decided it was a good idea. In other words...it took me a little while to commit to it ;) Being relatively new to the whole process, I struggled with sending a stranger my money, blindly hoping they weren't waiting at the other end of the transaction, giggling about "how gullible some people are", while having no intentions of ever sending the purchased item. My mind was soon put at ease by the fact that Pay Pal keeps records of all transactions and the fact that I have about 7 e-mails to back me up should the seller try and pull a fast one. In the end, I am satisfied that the lady I purchased the dress from is on the up & up, and that I made a good decision! Did I mention I get a free veil out of the deal too? SCORE!

To finish off such a great day, I attended a baby shower for a girl I know. I was both surprised (because we haven't ever been really close) and honored to be invited. I hastily crocheted a little monkey toque and tried to shake the nervousness I felt about going. I didn't really think I'd know anyone else there, and was worried that I would be that girl in the corner no one talks to. I was so pleasantly surprised by how much fun I had! It was beautiful to see how much love surrounds my friend. At the same time, it was so relieving to realize that I still have the ability to function in social situations. It's been so long since I've had to meet new people and put myself out there, I was afraid I'd lost the basic skills.
What a Saturday! New Dress, new women to talk to and a ever growing sense of confidence! Bring it on Sunday!

My new medicine...crochet!

Nothing beats the feeling of yarn running across my fingers, watching the project take shape before my eyes and the eventual satisfaction of the finished product. While this is no where near my biggest accomplishment in life, which I like to think would be my giving birth and managing to keep the subsequent children alive all this time, I still feel like giving myself a tiny, private high five every time I complete what I set out to accomplish. I have only produced 4 hats to date, but with each one, I can feel my skill and confidence growing. I can feel that confidence spilling out into the rest of my life, which I think is the most exciting part of the whole process for me.

Those of you who know me well enough, know I struggled with depression for a good majority of my adult life. I admitted early on that while I wanted to deal with it on my own, I owed it to my then one year old child, to seek help. This resulted in a medication to regulate my moods and I have to admit it was successful. (see -> hopefully stable, well adjusted 9 year old) I finally decided I was ready to come off of the medication and get a handle on myself as a now mature, capable woman. This proved to be a more difficult task than first anticipated, but the end result was a drug free me and a beautiful little girl the medication was preventing me from conceiving. Most of the time I am making it calmly and assuredly through life, but I occasionally have days where I feel as if I'm slipping, and the thought of going back onto the medication seems like a good idea. It's days like these where I have to step back, realize how far I have come and all that I have as a result of that. It's days like these when I sit down with a ball of yarn and with every stitch, crochet the doubt away.

Wedding planning and the monster with-in!

Gah...I am planning a wedding. I realize the beginning of that statement would indicate I am less than excited to be doing so. Not necessarily the case, I'm ecstatic, overjoyed and humbled to be marrying the love of my life. It's all the other stuff involved that makes my stomach want to jump out of my skin.
You always think about your wedding, and the people you want there to help you celebrate your day with you. You picture a beautiful venue with gorgeous decorations and perfect weather. The cake is spectacular, the band slays and at the end of the night you and your guests leave smiling and elated...
You never stop to realize how daunting a task it will be to achieve all of that!
We've begun the process with a budget...we'll see how long we can make that stick. We also have a tentative list of invitees (real word...who knows?) It's amazing how many people pop out of the recesses of your memory when making a guest list. Then there's the realization that if we invite that person we have to invite this person in order to avoid WW III...deep breath.
Destination Wedding is sounding great at this point...but I know in my heart of hearts, I would be disappointed in the long run if we took this route. I want the spectacle on our behalf. I want one day to be all ours, one day in history to celebrate our love and everyone we love there to experience it with us. Selfish...yes, and not ashamed.
In closing, if you find that I seem a little jumpy, cranky or self absorbed, don't worry or be offended, it's not you, I'm just planning a wedding.

Beautiful

(this blog was started 2 days ago, got a little sidetracked with Darling Daughter...)

I woke up this morning to snow on the ground, on the van...on the EVERYWHERE! My initial reaction was; " Here we go again, blah, I hate winter" All the shoveling, slopping thru slush  in boots that never seem to be quite as waterproof as they claim to be, dressing and undressing, then re-dressing for outings, and the inevitable trap that Revelstoke becomes at this time of year. I could feel the dread creeping in, then I looked out the window again, and saw the snow on the ground, on the van, on the everywhere and noticed how beautiful it all was. I got motivated and decided to take Hailey for her first walk thru the winter wonderland that Revelstoke is. I marvel I can live in a place like this and sometimes be completely oblivious to the splendor that surrounds me. 30 plus years will do that I guess. This morning though, it couldn't be ignored, and I was actually a little surprised that there weren't more people out enjoying it. We had the greenbelt to ourselves. I think if Hailey had been a little older, she may have grown tired of my constant stopping to take "just one more" picture.

I hope I can maintain this positive outlook through the upocoming winter, though I am sure there will be days when I need to refer to the pictures I took to remind me not to curse and swear about the snow!

So...here goes nothing...but on a positive note

Blogging...something I really never pictured myself doing. Ever. I always though it was a little pretentious to assume that other people might care about what I had to say, but lately I feel compelled to let them know, whether they care or not. I'm not referring to being rude or offensive; on the contrary, I feel the need to offer positivity, reassurance and praise. I find I am becoming less and less tolerant of negativity, while at the same time noticing it more and more...I guess they go hand in hand. On the other hand I am beginning to notice those of you who are living a life more charmed. A life filled with an appreciation for what you have, and the understanding of just how lucky you are to have it. These people are my inspiration, my light in a world where it is so simple to just give in and say "It's just so hard...I give up...wah wah wah" There are days where I feel as if I am there, ready to throw in the towel...and someone will remind me, it could be worse, or better at that...if I just remember...I am blessed. I have a beautiful family, wonderful friends and a currently clean bill of health and an ever bright future.
To those of you who shine bright, smile hard and just keep pushing life forward...thank you. You are not only making your life wonderful, but adding some sparkle to mine.